Mental Health: Voices & Thoughts…
My voice is gone. My thoughts are messed up. Dendrites popping unconsciously — is what it feels like. Physical & mental health deteriorating.
I’m being slaved by Britain & Canada, overworked, just like my grandparents when they came here and stayed here a decade ago. No wonder they haven’t been back. Residual racism carrying forth. Forgive but don’t forget.
WE GETTING OVER THE PAIN OF THE PAST
I got into a car accident on the highway in the summer of 2020 because I was overworked in this “startup” culture where ‘grinding’ is worshipped instead of being a healthy adult. I was unconscious; unaware, of what it would do to my health, especially my mental health. Sleepless nights and weeks and months turning to years. At one point it seemed like my sanity snapped. Sleep messed up. All this contributed & took its toll on my relationships with my family, friends, the world and really in the end my relationship with myself.
It seems like the world wants me to fail, or it could just be the negative mindset. I don’t know, I’m not even a negative type of guy. I want to see ya’ll achieve, not my, but YOUR dreams. No matter what, god(s) are all pervading and is in everything and everyone — I know Brahma (the god of creation) has a plan for us, for me.
I’m getting over ‘grind culture’ and learning more to relax into exactly what it is that I want to pursue and be doing on the daily. Core principles. Things and activities that interest me, distilled into the very foundation of my company, Saanskara Studios Inc. Waiting on the dream team to form. Things get difficult being the sole founder, but the pain will pass. No one to bounce ideas off of. That’s okay, once the team forms, it’ll be a godsend and a gigantic weight off my shoulders.
Once the essentials & foundation of the company is setup & running — I can’t wait to actualize the screenplays & albums revolving around in my head. Cinematic artistry through every medium.
Back to the point of the article, my mental health. I went through what felt like an unconscious, psychological raping of my thoughts & visualizations. Senses being messed with, however, I’m taking the right steps to rid of this over active mindset. Forever. I’m pretty sure if ya’ll felt and went through what I went through, ya’ll would just die. Horrifying paranoia.
Anyway, as I’m going into different rooms of my parents place, it is resulting in negative thought patterns and thoughts, depending on which room I’m in. I just stepped into the gym we setup in the basement as I’m writing this and the negative mindset kicked in… I hate this.
My dad described out the cycle. Caffeine stimulant, or any other stimulant, causes my sleep to worsen, I hear LOUD voices and see horrifying visuals which then makes me paranoid and I go see a doctor about it. Then I’m back home. And this has been repeating ever since 2017. Ever since this Philippine girl and I broke up. I’m not blaming it on anyone but myself, but these are just the chain of events that occurred and has been occurring with my time here in Ottawa, Canada.
When turning inside during meditation (since I took it ‘off the mat’) I’m getting my soul form distorted with black and white visuals of a ‘soul’, when I’m brown. Brown soul. Indian. From India. Even while working out. I tend to close my eyes and analyze and observe my mind at whenever I get a chance, because I work out at home sometimes, it’s easier to go ‘inside’ — for those of you who know what I mean by that — shoutout to the Yogi’s of the world, this shxt’s hard! The goal is to reach a better self. Self — Realization through the gods of Hindustaan. Through the Epics. Through the mythology. Through truth. Becoming an embodiment of creation, of life, of Brahma. Not out of fear, but love. Not due to stockholm syndrome, but due to the shear amazement of my religion, that I was completely blind of before, and everything that it has to offer.
Thanks for reading.
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